Stressed about going Home for the Holidays? | Gracie Lu

You?re not alone in that respect.? Many adults feel that way about returning to their family of origins for the holidays.? If there were lots of dysfunctional patterns that were there when you moved out, chances are they are right there waiting for you when you return.? The drama unfolds often when you step back onto the scene, like actors taking their places on the stage before the curtain rises.? So maybe you?ve learned to get more functional to recognize that you don?t want to get pulled into family drama.? Perhaps you?ve even done some of your own introspective work with a good therapist.? You may have found great support with very caring friends.? You know you are returning to a toxic environment, and want to return as unmarred as possible.

It?s amazing that even after we have moved out of the home of our family of origin, how quickly we can get pulled back into feeling like that young 5 year old little girl or boy.? Even when our parents actually do the very best that they could do, it?s still a dynamic that can feel unpleasant to return to.? We don?t want to feel like we?re on the defense, arguing to feel like we have an important voice of significance within our family.? Nobody likes to feel like we have something to prove to feel accepted, respected or loved.? The holidays don?t have to make you sing the blues.? Here are a few tips to prepare to make the most out of your holiday visit:

1. Accept that your family may be unable or unwilling to change.? The power is within your hands to change you, not them.? Trying to change your family will only set yourself up feeling controlled and disappointed.? Realize your parents were also a product of their environments.? They could have felt very similar to how you felt growing up, and it was just too scary to confront it or they just had no idea how to change.? Realize too when you make changes within yourself, you will indirectly affect the family dynamics.? Think of a still pond of water, and throwing a single pebble into the pond.? There?s a ripple effect.
2. Keep visits short.? We don?t want to turn our backs on family, especially since we know parents will not live forever.? It?s always good to keep visits short and sweet.? It can take a lot of energy out of us when we are trying to resist getting pulled into a toxic environment, so it?s best to plan to leave within a short time.? Think of it like going to see a movie or a play.? Your friends wanted to go, wasn?t something you were overly excited about seeing.? You go with them since it is an activity together, but as the movie unfolds, you realize you don?t want to be there.? It?s turning out to be a bad movie.? You do have choices, walk out of the movie if you don?t want to keep watching.? You can even choose to watch the whole thing, but the important point here is you get to decide how long you want to be there.
3. Do things for yourself to prepare before you enter the scene and after.? Make sure if your family dynamics is one that makes you feel upset, or drained, you plan activities that strengthen you emotionally and mentally before and after your visit.? Spend time with supportive friends, go work out if that?s what you enjoy, read a good book, plan a fun activity with your significant other, or play with your own child.? Check in with a therapist before and after the family visit, particularly if you are going back to a toxic environment.? The key point here is to do things that will strengthen you before you enter a scene that often can leave you feeling hurt or drained dry.
4. Detach from heated or sensitive topics during the visit.? When you are actually on your visit with family, sensitive topics can often be brought up.? For example, you?ve lost your job shortly before the holidays, and that alone has gotten you down.? A family member asks you about it, and perhaps you?ve already mentioned you?re looking for a new position and to not bring it up.? Engaging in a conversation knowing you?ve already set boundaries that are not being respected will only leave you feeling like you are defending yourself.? Best strategy is defuse it.? This can be done creatively.? ?Wow, look the punch bowl is running low,? and you can be conveniently the one to replenish it.? It can also be a convenient time to run off to the restroom.? Use that time in the bathroom to gather your wits together, and let the situation defuse.? Take a deep breath.? Knowing what?s going on before you get pulled into the drama is key, then refusing to play the part you?ve been asked to play within that dynamic.? Don?t get pulled into the drama.? It?s like winning the battle, but losing the war.? You get pulled in to make yourself heard, but in reality you?ve just gotten pulled back into your family drama.
5. Change the toxic environment, by bringing a friend.? One way to change the family drama is to add a new ?actor? on the scene.? Asking a supportive friend to come home for the holidays with you can defuse some of the toxicity of the family dynamics.? It can be the biggest gift they give you.? It isn?t a present, it?s their presence.? You may also be giving them a gift if they are not returning to their own homes for the holidays.? If they cannot come with you, plan ahead of time to check in with them during the duration of your visit by phone.? Their support can help you when you are walking into a difficult family dynamic.

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Source: http://www.gracie-therapist.com/stressed-about-going-home-for-the-holidays/

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